For the last 6 years, I've reflected on my core values in early January as a part of my annual review and look forward. I typically only review the year prior's materials, to take stock of what I set as goals, as a point of comparison, but this year I went and dug up my annual plan from 2011.

It was sweet and a bit cringe-worthy to see just how ambitious, naive, intense and wide reaching my goals were in my mid-20's. I have to laugh thinking about what future Rebecca will think of my work, goals and plans today... 

A few things struck me as noteworthy

1. I have a LOT fewer core values. I went from 12+ down to 4. 
2. My ambitions are much less tactical and more at a vision level that is less attached the means.
3. I still agree with 95% of my goals from 2011, but I only prioritize 30% at this point in my life.
4. A year is a long time... but it goes by quickly. Same goes for 5 years. And, yes, even a decade.
5. Its worth seriously evaluating goals I've been chasing for years without a ton of traction. Its pretty clear that there is a major misalignment. Perhaps I don't really want them. Perhaps they shouldn't be the goal, but the outcome of a different goal. I'm not sure yet. 

Overall, the thing that struck me the most is that, even though I don't feel particularly focused... compared with 2011 Rebecca, I'm very focused. 

What a good reminder that we struggle with the same things over and over. Just because we're still struggling doesn't mean that there hasn't been progress. Even massive progress.

This past week I was fighting with my husband about 'that issue' -- you know, the one that will probably always be an issue (we all have them, right?). I was really, really angry and resentful and my emotions were running in unproductive circles. I was not the person that I enjoy being.

I eventually had to step back and ask myself: What would help? What would help me stop being angry? 

Immediate clarity.
Immediate ability to ask for what I need.

I have to say, I am beyond proud that Michael & I made our biggest breakthrough on this issue in at least 5 years. Now that's a huge win... and it all started with a simple question.

As usual, asking great questions is an underrated skill. 

I've been dismayed by many things over the current state of political reality television. But perhaps most of all, I've been disappointed in both the left and the right by their desperate grip of black and white, frequently extreme, thinking. In nearly any complicated discussion, the most accurate view point tends to be an AND...

Globalization and free trade has been great for overall American wealth AND it hurts a portion of our society.

Capitalism is (arguably) the best system we've found for large scale societal organization AND, especially when coupled with debt, it is inherently a paperclip maximizer that needs to be regulated.

Healthcare should not cause bankruptcies AND we need to have some difficult discussions about health care consumption  and personal responsibility as a society.

Diversity is good for meritocracy AND there are very real (and innocent) losers when we increase diversity.

The freedom of speech needs to be defended, especially when we don't like what the person has to say, AND it is our responsibility to ensure that everyone is treated with the respect and dignity deserving of a human being.

White men are responsible for many of societies greatest achievements AND white men are responsible for many of societies greatest ills.

There are population level gender differences (and age, race and height for that matter!) AND women are under represented in leadership and under paid in the workplace.
note - I don't think that the author was perfectly accurate about the population level differences, but that's not to say that there aren't any.

There is significant bias against some populations AND many the people who are biased are basically innocent: they don't desire to be biased and are unaware of their bias.

We have to stop shouting about only one side. Its more complicated than that.

I'm tired and weary of the extreme positions that completely miss the muddy middle. It might not be sexy, but at least its real.

Do you burst and rest? Do you have intense periods of high energy and creative inspiration... and other times where the energy just isn't there? Can you get incredible amounts of work done in a short time? Do you occasionally burn out after long periods of intense exertion?

I do. We're sprinters.

Is consistency your jam? Do you work at a similar pace all the time? Does slow & steady sound familiar?

You're a marathoner.

Chalk this one up to the underrated skill of self knowledge.

Neither is better, but it's easy for both groups to be jealous of each other! I wish I could get that much done! /// I wish I could be consistent like you! Or, in turn, to be disdainful of each other.

Just as both groups have their strengths, each group has different needs and struggles under different conditions. Sprinters struggle doing anything consistently and may require extreme external pressure. Marathoner's struggle when they feel like they don't have enough time or that they've been being pushed too hard for too long.

Once you own this self knowledge, think carefully about what conditions will support you most effectively -- and experiment!

When I want to do something hard, I try to find my sweet spot: long enough to be impactful, short enough to be do-able. My friend asked me about how to work on his relationship with booze, especially after the holidays. After a conversation, he's decided to do a sober January: long enough to have a real impact on his health, his emotional coping skills and his relationship with alcohol... but short enough to feel do-able.

When I was writing my first book I was absolutely daunted at the prospect. So I tried to just write a chapter. But that wasn't my sweet spot, still too daunting. Rather, at that point, my sweet spot was just a page. I could get through a page. And enough pages strung together makes a very crappy first draft! Win.

In general, I'm a big fan of 30 day trials as sweet spots. Sometimes thats too much, sometimes not enough, but its quite often just right.

When something feels like too much to tackle, search for your sweet spot.

Big enough to be impactful. Small enough to feel do-able.

I know how to push. How to talk negatively towards myself. How to fear failure more than anything. How to just make myself do it. I'm afraid I won't be as good / go as far / be as successful if I quit pushing.

The tough news is that I might be right in the short term: I won't be as successful if I don't push. I can probably lose more weight on a crazy 4-day crash (read: push) diet than I could on a 4 day "pull" diet.

But successful long term change comes from pulling. From honoring your deep desires. Those same diets over a year? No competition. Pull will knock the socks off the crazy push spree.

And for even more honesty, there are times that we need a break from the push.

Pulling can feel like cheating. But, its hardly always easy. The hardest thing about pulling is making sure that you actively remember what it is that you really want.

I want to feel light and energetic more than I want this donut. I want to have extra energy, so I want to go weight lift today. I want to feel accomplished tonight, so I want to send this uncomfortable email now!

Its not always easy, but it is simple & effective.

When you want to go fast, push... when you want to go far, pull.

I strive to play the long game in life: I aim to pull myself towards my goals.

I use my ability to push as a tool to sprint.

It's powerful (and smart) to use all the tools in your arsenal.

We all have our battles. Many of which we fight time and time again.

I was reminded of this yesterday, as I perused the archives of this site. Over the years, despite my efforts not to, I've repeated several articles. Different words, same exact themes. The same battles.

It reminds me to keep fighting the good fights. And that I am not alone in repeating my battles.

You're not alone either. Keep going. Keep practicing. Keep fighting.

One of the lessons I constantly find  myself relearning is how to prioritize -- and care for -- your future self. This may mean choosing salad over lasagna so your future self doesn't fall asleep while trying to hit a deadline.

It may look like caring for your body by going to the gym three days a week, like my 94 year old grandfather! (3 miles on the bike + 5 weight machines -- he's an inspiration!)

It may mean working before playing, so that you can be stress free and enjoy yourself fully. Or giving yourself enough time to actually accomplish your goals (rather than set them so lofty that you inevitably fail).

This lesson is really a framework for living: Value your future self as much as your current self.

Sounds simple, but its certainly not easy.

Despite what you've been told over the years, practice does not make perfect. Practice makes permanent.

Practice entrenches what you are doing through repetition. If you're practicing perfectly, then, yes, practice makes perfect, but that is rarely the way it goes.

We may practice a lazy swing, or practice procrastinating to the last moment, or practice doing just enough to get the A. In time, that becomes permanent, that becomes who you are.

I offer you (and myself) two powerful reminders:

from Aristotle:

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence therefore is not an act, but a habit.

and, from Archilochus:

We do not rise to the level of our expectations, We fall to the level of our training.

Practice like you mean it, the way you practice will become who you are.

I'll start it on Monday.I'll write everyday starting next year. I'll start the project on the 1st of the month.

I'm guilty of employing this delay tactic a million times.

But, despite its rational roots, that is all that it is: a delay tactic. A way to feel good about your ambitions while procrastinating and not taking any action.

The truth is you should start. Take the creative energy you're putting into fantasizing about the "perfect" start in the future and turn it into something concrete right now.

Your future self will thank you.

Einstein offered one of my favorite quotes, ever.

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind, a faithful servant.

We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.

It reminds me to listen, carefully.

Every social situation has a baseline series of expectations.

In an interview at a bank, you're expected to dress formally. On a first date, you're expected to have showered recently.

These expectations are often unstated and sometimes highly nuanced (for example, swearing is acceptable at some companies and shunned at others) -- but when you want something, to the best of your knowledge, don't screw with the baseline.

Breaking social expectations  is a simple and easy out for someone to say no to you. Don't give them that opportunity.

When times have been hard I've found a (nearly) universal cure: The Light of Day.

When I'm most uncomfortable and ashamed of something, the best thing to do is share it. To bring those complicated, messy, painful feelings into the light of other people.

Here's a real world example: in college I had a pretty nasty eating disorder (a combo of anorexia and bulimia). While I was eventually able to mostly break it in secret, I didn't stop fearing it until I could comfortably share my experiences: until I brought it into the light of day.

I also know that if, on a tough day of procrastination, I find myself compensating by saying how great my day has been, I'm digging myself deeper in the hole.

The funny thing is, that in the moment, I believe that stating my day was great will motivate me to change or make me feel better. FALSE! So false. It makes me feel worse!

By being honest and open about my flaws, I find a well of compassion that enables me to move forward and drop the baggage about what's happened in the past.

It may be uncomfortable, but the light of day is generally the best medicine.

I am a horrible painter. It's true. I'm sure I could become better, master some techniques, but that's not the point.

I enjoy painting because I have absolutely zero attachment to the outcome.

I expect it to be bad. I don't care when it is bad.

I have no fear when it comes to painting - even showing it to other people because I have no ego attachment to the outcome. I don't care that I am bad and I don't care if other people think that I am the worst painter on earth.

My ability to paint (or lack thereof) is not part of my self-identified value.

What this tells me is that the fear of being seen comes not from skill or lack thereof -- but from internal expectations of your performance and your confidence that you can meet them.

If you're afraid, maybe you should try caring less and perhaps even enjoying being less-than-amazing at something.

This past week, I was hanging out with Nikki when she dropped an amazing framework on me: When offering criticism use verbs, not adjectives.

Nikki identified this in the publishing industry after deep study of her bosses, mentors and peers who were able to effectively communicate (and those who weren't). The idea is that rather than directly criticizing their idea (that book cover is ugly) -- you talk about what the idea is communicating (the book cover suggests that...).

Amazing. I'm totally stealing this framework.

The real genius though is in the study and pattern recognition that enabled her to identify and communicate the framework.

Frameworks are worth their weight in gold as they quickly and effectively enable others to improve their decision making.

Here are a couple of other frameworks that I've shared:

• The 5-10x rule
• How to be lucky
• My 3 Laws for Prioritizing in an Online Business
• Urgent vs Important
• Where the big opportunities are
• The five ways to grow a business

  The most fulfilling goals are almost always simple, but not easy -- and this one is no exception.

Do more of what you do best and most naturally --- and less of everything else.

Another way to state it would be to structure your work and your life around becoming  a better, truer version of yourself. Its all about spending the maximum time in your genius zone.

To do this successfully there are a number of leaps that need to be made. You need to:

1. Develop and maintain the self awareness to know when you are at your best.
2. Understand and communicate the value of working at your best (otherwise, you won't get paid for it).
3. Earn the trust and negotiate buy in from your leadership that enables focus.
4. Cultivate the support system that will not only take all the other stuff off of your plate, but even more importantly, actually accentuate and enhance your strengths with their own.
5. Build the discipline to focus on your genius, without getting distracted by things that you are good at... or things that you are great at... or things you do quickly... or that one, little, high priority item that you can just squeeze in (its no big deal).

The biggest win? Turning your weakness into a solvable problem. Even a small step in that direction improves everything.

Procrastination is a major drain. It generally feels terrible while you're doing it. It feels terrible to deal with the consequences. It feels terrible to know that I am a procrastinator.

So why the heck do we procrastinate?

We do it to avoid something even more painful.

So the key to dealing with procrastination is to reduce the pain of the activity -- and the imagined pain of the outcomes.

Here are three of my favorites:

1. Chill out your lizard brain with physical relaxation. Put a caddy in your tub and write while soaking, invest in wonderful slippers, robes, candles and throws, massage your feet while you work -- whatever calms your lizard brain enough to allow you to move forward.
2. Make the goal to start, not to finish. A classic lower the barrier to entry strategy. There isn't danger in the start... there is danger in the finish. If I aim to finish a blog post, it might be bad (laughably bad) or maybe no one will read it, etc etc. If the goal is simply to start it, nothing can really go wrong, as even brainstorming bad ideas is a start!
3. Just do one. Similar to the strategy above, it lowers the bar on chores, cleaning and errands. Rather than getting overwhelmed by my whole list, I'll just do one. Simple & easy. Usually, the burst of feel good "I can't believe I've been putting this 5 minute task off for 3 months" sparks the next item... but even if not, that's one thing crossed off.
4. Connect with why. Why do I WANT to do it? If I don't really want to, than I probably don't actually have to (and I can cross it off). And if I actually have to, there must be some reason that I want to (even if its because I want to make someone else happy or to check off one step on the way to something bigger that I want). Getting clear on my motivation can kick my but into gear.

I fall into the procrastination trap all the time. I use these strategies embarrassingly often.

One thing that almost never works for me? Yelling at myself, putting myself down and generally acting like a big bully. It worked when I was younger - and it was easy - but I'm really glad that I have to be (get to be) nicer to myself now.

I think that we can all agree that having no choice sucks. A lack of self determination is no good, no question. And yet, on the other hand, science shows that the more choices you have, the less satisfied you are with the outcome. Period.

I call it the Bell Curve of Choice: But, what to do with this information?

Especially if you, like me, are "blessed" with incredible amounts of choice and freedom?

The answer is simple: Commit.

Until you commit, you can't move forward.

Here are four ideas to help you commit without paralyzing FOMO:

1. Ask yourself: Is this choice a burden or a luxury? Luxuriate where choice feels good. When in doubt, simplify. Commit.
2. Reduce your choices with habits, routine and structure. Habits are testament to the truth that removing decision making can be freeing. A couple ideas: simplify your wardrobe, eat the same thing for breakfast, work in the same place. Commit to practices that help you feel good.
3. Identify your deal breakers and non-negotiables. Don't bend. Commit to yourself.
4. Relish closing doors, even if it feels bittersweet. What can you decide NOT to pursue? Commit to your closed doors.
5. Do a trial. Commit -- and commit fully -- for a set period of time. Let yourself off the hook for choosing for a while. Reevaluate at the end.

Don't let yourself drown at the far end of the bell curve. You have to commit to move forward.

This post was inspired by a brunch filled with delightfully delicious food & conversation with this lovely lady.

Want easy? Pull yourself towards what you want. Mostly, we push ourselves internally. You know, issue threats, feel guilty about our choices, say things so mean that we would never say them to anyone else... all in the name of getting what we want.

Change through pushing is hard because it feels hard. 

We're clearly doing something we don't want to do (otherwise, why would we need threats?).

We're always one small slip up from failure, virtually never achieving success.

We're punishing ourselves (way) more than we are celebrating.

Sounds hard. Actually, sounds like it sucks.

There's a better way. And, it's easy because it feels easy.

In the same way that pushing feels hard, pulling feels easy. It's all in the framework.

BUT you want change that isn't easy? You know, picking salad over hot wings... or work over play... 

NEWS FLASH: you don't want pain in your life... and in turn, you don't actually want things that are painful.

The key is to know and understand exactly what you want so badly.

Identify what you want and what it takes to get it. Then decide if you still want it.

Deciding is a key part of success and yet 99% of people completely skip it!

Sure, everyone "wants" to be a billionaire... but when you look at the choices and the sacrifices that becoming a billionaire entails, a lot of people are going to opt out. They don't actually want to be a billionaire.

There is no shame in this. It is supremely wise to decide that you don't want to do what it takes to get what you "want" -- AND, in turn, to realize that you don't actually want that thing!

Frame all decisions around what you want -- NOT what you don't want.

You don't like being told no. You like being told yes.

Your goal is to keep what you want front and center and to say yes to yourself as much as possible.

Suddenly, you aren't saying "no" to the glass of wine, you're saying yes to delightful early mornings... you aren't saying "no" to your friends, you're saying yes to your dream to be an author...

And, again, because this is worth repeating: its okay to find out that you don't actually want what you thought you wanted.

As hard as pushing is, pulling is easy. It's like a cheat code to success.

The hardest part? Keeping what you want front and center.

It's hardly news that our attention is become ever more fragmented and fleeting. And, in response, everything is getting louder, brighter and more addictive.

The same mechanism is happening in the arena of pleasure: its getting louder and louder... while reducing in quality.

Pleasure has transformed to attention seeking. After all, you can't have pleasure without attention.

Flavors are louder & bolder than ever, increasing not for the purpose of pleasure, but for the purpose of getting your attention. You'll find that if you eat many of these attention seeking foods (candy, soda, fast food) with your full attention, they don't even taste good! They only taste good when used as a method of getting attention, of distracting us.

Mainstream movies and TV do the same thing for human relationships. They turn up the volume, simplify and dramatize.

The simple pleasures of knowing those around you and feeling seen as yourself have been traded for the drama and wit of writers coupled with the unthinkable beauty and poise of actors.

Its not that turning up the volume is inherently bad, rather that we have, as a society forgotten how to turn the volume down.

How to bask in the sweetness of an apple How to enjoy the simple company of neighbors.

We've forgotten about the pleasures that don't call for our attention,
but rather unfold once our attention is gifted.

There is no pleasure without attention. There is no love without attention.

Attention is the most valuable asset you can offer. Gift it mindfully.