I love growth. It makes me happier than just about anything. But even with that strong bias, I have to admit that there is a very real tension between the impulse for growth and the impulse for satisfaction.

One poignant example is two facts that I had previously believed strongly without ever considering how they impact each other!

On one hand, there is the very common refrain that you are the average of the 5 people closest to you. In general, I think there is a lot of truth to this -- and there is significant scientific evidence that backs up social contagion. It's important to consciously make decisions about this group as it will disproportionate impact on your life.

On the other hand, there is scientific evidence that your contentment is influenced significantly more by your "success" relative to those close to you -- rather than your absolute success. In other words, if you live in a neighborhood where everyone drives a Honda and you have a Honda, you'll be fine with that. If you live in a neighborhood where everyone drives a Mercedes and you drive a Honda, you won't be happy with that. And, if you live in a neighborhood where you drive a Mercedes and everyone else drives a Honda, you'll be happiest.

And here's the thing -- the five people you spend the most time with can either add to your contentment and make you feel like you are doing well... or they can spur growth by implicitly raising the bar -- and thus reducing contentment.

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Obviously, the best case scenario is increased growth and contentment concurrently and I'm confident that there are ways to achieve both.

Mostly, I'm shocked that I never juxtaposed these ideas on my own - despite knowing and internally citing them with some frequency.

Funny the things that we miss.

Today, I attempted to write two position papers to myself. I'm struggling over a major life decision that is proving quite challenging and multi-faceted. While writing, one of them felt like the clear correct answer.

It had a sexy title.... while the other one went title-less. It had clear and easy points... while the other felt less inflated. It was clearly the sexy choice.

But the thing is that reality is not all that sexy.

Simple, but not easy is not sexy. Pig headed determination is not sexy. Focused strategy is not sexy.

Being sexy doesn't mean its right. Not being sexy doesn't mean its right.

I don't know the answer... but just because it has a sexy title, doesn't mean that its the right decision.

Yesterday I listened to Tim Ferris's podcast with Peter Diamandis, where one of the questions focused on how to disrupt / reform our education system. Peter had an interesting and eloquent response focused on how Artificial Intelligence will completely change the way that we teach and learn.

As someone who has spent the majority of her career in online education: AMEN!

YES! AI has huge potential to change the way that we teach. We'll be able to play to each student's strengths, individualize the curriculum and challenges, gamify learning and level the playing field in a completely novel way.

BUT - and this is a huge but - how we teach is not the most interesting question in education reform.

WHY are we teaching?

Why we are teaching is the much bigger question that we need to answer. This is how we will be able to make good decisions about what we teach and how we teach it.

Currently, our education system is stuck in a highly industrialized mindset. Its about clocking in, rote memorization and not rocking the boat. It focuses on a single type of intelligence and relies heavily on carrot & stick motivation.

This is far from ideal training for the service and creativity sector jobs that currently comprise the majority our economy. In fact, you can point to it as a hindrance.

Typically, I think that we would say education is to prepare our children for the future. 

Or one can argue that education should focus on fostering happiness.

Or one can assert that we send kids to school to take children off their parent's hands - glorified daycare, if you will.

The reason that WHY is so much harder - and so much more compelling - is that it requires us to agree on a life goal for our society. Do we want our society to be happy, healthy, competitive, wealthy, powerful, contemplative, creative, regimented, disciplined, focused, carefree??? Should it be different for each student (probably). How is that determined?

Deciding why we are teaching requires us to define success. 

Defining success requires us to be contemplative, philosophical and slow down a little. Its a values issue with nothing black & white... with thousands of shades of grey.

Because, ultimately, no matter how good we get at teaching... it won't be effective unless we know why we are teaching in the first place.

..be interested. It's simple: at any given moment, 99% of people are craving validation in the form of interest in themselves, their ideas and their experiences.

Ask a few good questions, add in an anecdote that conveys understanding and connection and - tada - you're their new favorite person.

Another way to think of this is that the best way to connect people is to develop curiosity in them. Curiosity is contagious and irresistible.

Want to be interesting? Be interested. You'll be irresistible.

It was late in the evening when my wise & witty friend Alex dropped this gem of insight (loosely paraphrased):

Happiness is daily doses of creature comforts AND having something you're looking forward to.

It stuck with me because it rings so true.

No amount of hugs or chocolate or snuggly blankets can replace anticipation of something wonderful on the horizon... and those creature comforts make all the difference in your day to day experience.

Now, when I'm feeling off, I ask myself: what am I doing to feel good right now? AND What am I looking forward to?

Trying to "fix" the issue with one... when you really need the other doesn't do anyone any good.

Totems are powerful things. They are symbolic, sometimes even considered magical. As a very present person, it can be very easy for me to forget things that aren't directly in front of me. Even if they are important.

I use totems to keep the ideas, experiences and people that are important to me front and center:

I see my tattoo, from my time in Tonga, and I am immediately reminded that happiness and material goods aren't related. I'm reminded that we can be seen and understood in ways that go beyond words. And, I'm reminded of my grandma who passed away on my final day in Tonga. Most specifically of her unyielding love.

I see my ring, made from a garnet on the mountain that I grew up on and my first pure luxury good purchase as an adult. It fills me with love and joy and gratitude. It reminds me of my family and that priorities shouldn't get confused.

I see my pencil drawing of Sterling Library and I am filled with pride and shock and awe. It reminds me of how I've grown and how much people can change.

I see my ACL scars and it brings me back to ski racing and the precarious balance of risk and reward. It brings back the highs -- and the lows -- of competition. It also offers me access to the sheer joy and freedom I feel with skis on my feet.

Theres one other thing that I am looking for a totem of right now.

I highly recommend that you figure out what you want to keep front & center in your life and find a totem - something symbolic, something that magically draws you back - that will help you keep it there.

I was speaking with some new friends today about shifts that they wanted in their lives and what they hoped they would look like. They painted beautiful pictures of holding onto that glimpse of insight that seems to quickly elude us and of suddenly having new habits.

But that is not what most change looks like.

Most change come in the form of an opportunity - an awareness of a choice -- that didn't previously exist. 

It comes when you ask yourself a question or have that moment of pause and recognition, rather than jump mindlessly into habitual action.

That's the hard part: the opportunity doesn't make the decision for you. Even after the shift, you are on the hook for the action.

We are all fallible human beings. We take some opportunities, we decline others and, sometimes we ignore them enough that they just go away.

This means that shifts and changes are rarely clean cut or black and white. And, unfortunately, ignoring the question gets easier every time that you brush it off.

Shifts and opportunities for change that result in absolutely nothing are everywhere. They are the glimpse of wisdom without teeth of action.

If you really want change you need to prepare yourself for the decision that comes after the opportunity and stay vigilant.

One of, if not the single most important skill to thrive in a creative life (emotionally, intellectually, spiritually) is self management, or the internal ability to affect your mood, energy, productivity and attitude. Everyone can cultivate it.

Another way to think about it -- it's your ability to be a good boss to yourself. Your ability to direct motivate, focus, grow and sustain yourself. Pretty much the same list of core responsibilities of any manager!

Here are four great questions to start thinking about how you currently manage yourself... and how you can be a better boss for yourself!

1. What is my #1 priority? Am I honoring it?
2. What drives me to action?
3. When do I handle setbacks effectively? When do they derail me?
4. What replenishes me?

Even small improvements in self-management are 10x wins in life, so make them long term changes. Small & steady wins this race.

  It's easy to be busy.

Easy to fill every moment of the day with things that need to be done.

It's extremely challenging to create a life where you constantly work on the right things -- the important stuff that isn't urgent.

You only find out what those things are when you slow down enough to step outside of yourself and your busy-ness. That is how strategy is uncovered.

What does this mean?

When you're overwhelmed, don't struggle to go faster, rather slow down, reflect & re-prioritize.

Here's the thing with learning and testing: Your results are only as good as your discipline.

This means you need crazy, pig headed determination to reap the benefits of what you are learning and testing.

Your morning routine can only help you if you actually build it... and stick to it! No amount of information will help you.

It doesn't matter if the topic is health and food... or sales strategy and cold calls -- your knowledge doesn't matter, the actions do. Knowledge makes actions smarter. Absolutely. But there still has to be action.

Pig headed determination is one way to get on the action-filled highway.

I'm motivated by excellence. I want to be the best, I want to exceed expectations, I want to go beyond what even I think is possible. I'm wonderfully motivated by excellence. And for it, I'm grateful.

But this core trait is horrible motivation for getting started. It can be paralyzing.

How can I even start a blog post when my expectation is that it is the best? How can I commit to this relationship if I'm not confident it can be the best? How can I go to exercise class if I might be the worst?

The way that I handle it? Split your motivation to start and finish.

My goal is simply to open up my website and write a few words. My goal is simply to have fun and see where this goes. My goal is simply to arrive at class, that's all it takes to win.

Lowering the barrier to entry is a highly effective strategy if you're struggling to get started. It doesn't mean that you have to lower your standards in the long run.

PS - This was inspired at a lovely brunch with Alex where we jammed about motivation, getting things done and excellence.

Growing up American, a hard thing to understand is that less can be a luxury. We are conditioned to want more, to leave our options open, to value choice. Some of this is human (more food is greater than less food if we're fighting for survival), some of this is cultural (with Americans taking the cake).

More can be great. 

I'm a feminist, and believe that both men and women should have the whole rainbow of choices.

There's also the famous spaghetti sauce realization: there is no such thing as one best spaghetti sauce, rather there is a best spaghetti sauce for any number of tastes. (And I totally believe that having your favorite sauce is a good thing!)

But, choice does not equal satisfaction.

I remember coming back to the states from an ethnographic (anthropology) expedition in Tonga, where I went for months and months without seeing a store, let alone buying anything. Upon return, I was tasked with buying toothpaste. I remember standing in the store feeling utterly overwhelmed by the choice before me, thinking how the hell am I supposed to figure out which one to buy? Although I'm better at tuning it out now, I still feel that overwhelm every time I visit a supermarket.

But here's the really bad news: making overwhelming decisions is not only momentarily uncomfortable but also dissatisfying because there remains lingering doubt that you made the correct decision. Any resistance or downside can be perceived as a fault in choice and, therefore, a fault in yourself.

This is the cause of the quarter life crisis: overwhelm, decision fatigue and fear.

Barry Schwartz expands on this overwhelm and the subsequent sense of dissatisfaction in his fantastic book The Paradox of Choice (also, TED talk).

Less can be a luxury.

Releasing yourself from the burden of choice can be a real luxury and the best way to do this is to set yourself up so that there is no bad decision.

If you know your favorite kind of spaghetti sauce, no need to have the others. If you hone your personal style, a capsule wardrobe reduces the uncertainty. If you know what interests you, shut some doors! Delight in shutting them.

Less: relinquishing choice for freedom, emotional bandwidth and overall better decisions, can be a luxury indeed. 

When someone says "Oh how smart!", almost everyone is referring to intellectual prowess. That's what our schools teach, that is was what our society honors. But there are many intelligences beyond cognitive intellect.

In my mind, there are four primary types of intelligence, although others say that there are nine.

Intellectual Intelligence Emotional Intelligence Physical Intelligence Spiritual Intelligence

I purposefully create space to nurture each of these types of intelligences, although I certainly have my favorites (which are also the most developed).

School and society undervalues the latter three kinds of intelligence. It's up to you to prioritize expanding your potential.

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This reminds me one of my favorite quotes of all times. Attributed-ish to Einstein, it grounds me when I get too far into left-brain mode.

Intuition is a sacred gift and rationality a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift. -Bob Samples & Albert Einstein

I always travel with a blue tooth speaker, candles and slippers. They are little, tiny luxuries... but they make all the difference. Not just because its pleasant to listen to music or relax in my slippers, but because they are a clear reminder that I considered and prioritized my well being.

Actions that clearly demonstrate a commitment to yourself act as a cascade, they make every other decision that supports your long term well being even easier to make.

And who doesn't want that to be easier?

The truth is that it gets much, much worse before it starts to get better.

Overwhelm, confusion and mess sneak up on you. It feels like you had more clarity, cleanliness & safety before you started.

And THEN you have to start making hard decisions. Does this add to my business / life? Am I ever going to use this again? Is this who I really want to be?

It’s not comfortable and it is extremely tempting to give in. To just go back to what worked in the past… to just move everything… But that’s not what we came here to do.

With strategy & with moving, the discomfort needs to be moved through to get to somewhere better, somewhere with greater clarity and quality.

It’s always darkest before dawn.

Yesterday, I mentioned my capsule wardrobe (inspired by UnFancy) and how I learned a huge lesson about valuing quality over quantity. Well, I learned another big one too: Limits help creativity thrive!

It's crazy to think that I feel more creative in my much, much smaller closet, especially since there aren't endless combinations or tank tops in every-shade-of-everything. But, I do. Just today, I found a really fun outfit that I had never worn -- and I'm more than 2.5 months into a 37 item cycle.

By having less (my limitation), I am forced to try different things and step outside of my comfort zone much more frequently.

Creativity lives outside of our comfort zone.

When there are no limits, our comfort zone is like a huge building. There is no reason to step outside of it because there is always another path to go down.

It doesn't feel like it should be stifling because it's so large... but, it is.

If you limit it and make the building much smaller, you're much more likely to start opening those doors and seeing what's out there.

This is why the command -- Do something creative! -- is much more challenging than Come up with a dance you can do while sitting.

I bet you'd come up with a much more creative answer to the second question than the first one.

For the last 3 months, I've only worn 37 articles of clothing (including shoes and fancy occasions!) I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to wear. I was worried that I would get bored. I was worried that I would be wearing the same things (over and over).

My worry was completely unfounded.

I deeply experienced that well considered quality trumps quantity every single time.

I need a whole lot less than I thought I did. I bet the same goes for you.

And no, this isn't just about clothes.

We won't remember it a decade from now. Heck, chances are we won't remember it a year from now.

And, if we're stressing over something we'll have a hard time remembering next week... we are not alone and (I promise) we can let it go.

Stress is a call for a shift in our time horizon.

Great businesses know that social proof works (hello Yelp & Amazon reviews!). But many businesses miss the whole point of social proof. Social proof has two goals:

1. Prove that it works for someone like ME
2. Prove that people overcome MY problem

Essentially, the goal is for me to FEEL that I belong in the group.

You'll note that all of these are about ME seeing MYSELF and MY problems in the social proof. ME, ME, ME. The focus is all on the prospect.

Collect your social proof with this in mind: organize it by WHO the person is and WHAT their problem is. Solicit quotes and photos from your ideal customer demographics, specifically on the biggest challenges.

Highlight the quotes (and photos) of people closest to your ideal customer... starting with the biggest, most pressing challenge and working your way down from there.

Remember: if it's not making your IDEAL customer feel like they belong in the group (no matter how glowing the praise), your social proof is doing you a huge disservice.

When things aren't working, we're often tempted to do more of what worked in the past. Many times, that's the best solution... but it fails miserably if the real issue is a bottle neck, a limiting factor.

How can you tell? Imagine 10x-ing your efforts, would that offer proportionate rewards? If not, you've got a bottleneck.

Your purpose is to identify & release the constraint.

Then repeat... and repeat... and repeat.

Put another way, improving your website conversion won't do much if your constraint is a lack of traffic... And getting more traffic won't make you any more money, if you have nothing to sell.

What is the limiting factor that is preventing you from achieving your goals? Focus on that.